作为一个旅行者，我有一条原则:永远不要去同一个地方两次。但今年早些时候，我打破了它，回到了巴巴多斯，我在20岁出头的时候在那里学习。
那时候，我每天都漂浮在岛上宁静的西海岸外宁静的咸水里。晚上，他们经常在当地的酒吧里玩益智游戏，一边吃着1美元的炸鱼丸，一边喝着班克斯啤酒。我开始和一个加拿大同学约会，我们周末去东海岸一个偏远的渔村芭丝谢芭旅行。在巴巴多斯度过的四个月是我一生中最快乐的时光。
当我回到加拿大时，一切都变了。我男朋友和我分手了，然后我妈妈去世了。直到我感到如此深切的悲伤，我才意识到我一直在体验纯粹的快乐。我在巴巴多斯的时光就像一场梦，我担心回访会毁了这个梦。然而，近十年过去了，我决定看看我是否还能在那里找到魔力，这次是我自己。
我选择住在Crane酒店，这是加勒比地区历史最悠久、仍在运营的度假村。我希望它在东南海岸的位置能使我对这个岛有新的看法。强风不断地掀起海浪，它那僻静的海滩绝对提供了与我曾经每天漂浮在平静水域截然不同的体验。这很有帮助，就像房子的设计一样。点缀着公共泳池的皇家圆柱让我觉得自己更像是在意大利，而不是巴巴多斯。
当我回顾这一周的行程——充满了我认为会是新的体验——我越来越兴奋地从一个游客的角度去看这个岛。但我很快就发现，我参观过的许多景点都是我曾经去过的地方。
我渴望在平静的海水中游泳，于是去西南部的卡莱尔湾浮潜。我在一艘沉船上看到了海龟和蝠鲼，我想起了我在那个地方浮潜的情景。之后，我去了Cuz 's Fish Shack，吃了据说是岛上最好的鱼汉堡——结果发现飞鱼和我记忆中的一样多汁。甚至当我去像布莱顿农贸市场这样旅游较少的景点时，我也意识到我以前也去过那里。
而不是失望的冗余，我享受每一次这样的经历，再做一次。在缺乏新鲜感的情况下，了解内部秘密会让人感到兴奋，比如加了鲜橙色巴扬辣酱的Cuz的鱼肉三明治味道最好。
可以说，岛上最受欢迎的美食地点是Oistins鱼市场，每周五晚上，一排排的小屋都会煎出经典的巴詹海鲜，配上丰盛的大蕉和通心粉派。
2014年，当我和我的同学们来到这里时，我们似乎是人群中唯一随着蓬勃发展的雷鬼音乐跳舞的游客。这一次，现场几乎面目全非。市场上挤满了游客，他们礼貌地吃着东西，几名巴詹舞者在舞台上随着蕾哈娜的歌曲表演。
后来，我发现老奥斯汀仍然存在——只是在不同的时间。从晚上6点到9点，市场接待游客，但晚些时候，当地人也会来。我太困了，不想再呆下去了，但得知旅游业没有破坏市场的活力，我松了一口气。
我在圣劳伦斯峡(St. Lawrence Gap)也发现了同样的规律:游客早到，当地人晚到。又一次，我记得自己是昏暗的酒吧里唯一的游客，酒吧里挤满了当地人。这一次，我在鸡尾酒厨房(Cocktail Kitchen)吃了晚餐，这是一个很受欢迎的地方，在这里可以享受欢乐时光，还可以品尝面包果玉米片等素食菜肴。
The closest I got to clubbing was nodding along to the EDM music the restaurant played while I sat on the balcony overlooking the near-empty street (it wouldn’t get rowdy until closer to midnight). While it wasn’t the most authentic cultural experience, I didn’t mind; being 31, instead of 22, my ideal night now is an early dinner with an entertaining view.
But few experiences revealed how much my preferences have matured than an evening at the nightclub Harbour Lights. I was there for the dinner show, a Caribbean performance coupled with a Bajan buffet. once I stepped out onto the outdoor venue – picnic tables set on the sand under strings of twinkling lights – I realized I had been here before, as an intoxicated twentysomething celebrating Halloween with my friends.
This time, I was a woman dining solo, nursing my pina colada. Rather than feel lonely, I appreciated how much I’ve grown comfortable in my own skin. Instead of dancing with a bunch of sweaty bodies, I was content watching others while I ate my macaroni pie.
The only time I did feel lonely was during dinner at a new restaurant, Calma Beach Club, located just down the street from where I used to live. I had a direct view of the beach where my boyfriend and I used to swim. As I stared out at the water, an older man thought I was staring at him, and gestured to buy me a drink. I shook my head and snapped out of my nostalgic daze.
I tried to shift my focus to the bright spread in front of me – tequila shrimp with plantain chips, a bright salad with cornbread croutons – but couldn’t help envying the perceived romance of all the couples dining on the sand overlooking the sunset. I didn’t long for the ex-boyfriend or the companionship. What I yearned for was the feeling that being in love in paradise conjured – a feeling I had left in Barbados and not felt since.
Being on the island brought back treasured moments and fond memories of the people associated with them whom I’ve since lost from my life. But more than that, the sights, sounds and smells reminded me of how those moments made me feel.
After dinner, I wandered down to the beach I used to swim at every day. I stood watching the waves and thought about where I am now compared with where I was then. Returning to Barbados didn’t tarnish my memories as I feared, but rather built upon them. Instead of grieving the loss of the happiness I felt when I lived here, I was grateful to have experienced such happiness at all, and newly confident in my capacity for joy. Returning deepened my understanding of the destination, but it also restored in me a self-assuredness I didn’t know I had.
If you go
Direct flights to Barbados are available on Air Canada from Montreal and Toronto, and on WestJet from Toronto.
Where to stay
With most hotels clustered on the west and southwest coast of the island, The Crane is a quiet retreat perched atop rugged cliffs. Rooms start at $300 a night.
